The art of leaving things undone

 “Besides the noble art of getting things done, there is the noble art of leaving things undone. The wisdom of life consists in the elimination of non-essentials.” – Lin Yutang, Chinese writer

Poet Jill Briscoe added that letting things go not only simplifies our daily existence, but the skill also opens us up “so that the greater things can be done.” For me, those paramount deeds are maturing in my spirituality, and in my roles as wife and mother.

Houston & Gabriel love their homemade Indian headdresses. (Click to see November – Part 1 pics.)

Sometimes I make leaps, while other times I dodder along, baby-stepping it or just falling down flat. But practicing the art of leaving things undone — however futile an effort it often seems — has helped me regain a sense of strength and sanity I had been (intermittently) lacking. Thank you, Lord, for helping me focus more on the essentials.

ClanDillingham.com

In fact, I have on occasion been tempted to give up this blog. It has always served as a therapeutic way for me to vent, celebrate, reflect and update, all while helping me stay on top of my writing skills. Considering all the time it takes away from other things, I have questioned whether the blog and gallery were worth the hassle.

But a chapter in “52 Things Kids Need From Their Mom” points out that a family blog is more like a letter to your loved ones. The author, Angela Thomas, goes so far as to say that it “will become the treasure that helps shape (your kids’) lives and the way they parent their children.”

I don’t know if I’d go that far, but I do think the boys will one day cherish the reminiscences, hopefully giving them a better understanding of their Mommy and Daddy as people and parents, as well as a peek into their early childhood and a few laughs to boot.

Zeke dons his fine-looking homemade pilgrim hat.

Travels

Daddy had some job-training in Raleigh and the 3 Amigos and I decided to travel with him to the Capital City and spend Sunday night, 1/22. This was the boys’ first time in a hotel and they loved the entire experience, from eating in the hotel restaurant and the guy buffing the hallway floors, to the TV at the foot of the bed and the full-length mirror on the closet.

The fancy elevator made the biggest impression on the boys. Initially, Zeke was scared of it and made me walk the stairs with him a time or two, but by the end, he was overcame his fears.

That Monday, I took the kids on a driving tour of NC State and the capitol grounds. They still thought the elevator was cooler. Gabriel even said he wanted to move to Raleigh just so we could have an elevator. Houston concurred it was a nice city, but that he didn’t want to move there because we wouldn’t have a DVD player. I guess they think the Marriott is the only place to live in Raleigh.

Then Gabriel spent his first solo weekend in the mountains with Granny and Grumps from 1/27-1/29. Daddy drove all the boys up to the half-way meeting place on Friday for a big family dinner, and then Houston, Zeke and I picked up Gabriel on Sunday after church. Granny had nothing but praise for G-man’s behavior.

During the hands-on Thanksgiving lesson, Miss Jessie teaches the crew about maize.

Gabriel had a blast, but said that two nights away was enough and that he was ready to get home. It was also really touching to see how much Houston and Zeke missed their beloved bro. They pined for him much more than I thought they would. Too cute.

Family focus

As mentioned in the last blog, we’re attempting to make the most of the more limited time that Daddy’s home. This, of course, takes a little planning and sticking to the agenda, but also flexibility when weather, health, naps and anything else life can throw at us gets in the way. Here are a few of the basics:

  • Friday family dinner night: This is sometimes a struggle, but it is definitely a battle worth fighting. Our new tradition is to discuss topics that the boys have been collecting throughout the week. We totally forgot to do that for this Friday’s mealtime, so we had to wing it and talked about our highs and lows for the day instead.
  • Stephen and I are determined to be more diligent in doing date nights. Our hope is to have at least one every couple of months. As of now, our first night out is on the calendar for a belated Valentine’s dinner. No kids, lots of romance … what’s not to love?!?
  • Stephen will continue with boys-only fun, but he’s also working one-on-one time into the mix. He still owes Gabriel his pool date from the second “diamond” competition, and Houston, who won the latest round, also wants to go swimming. Gabe’s outing is now on the calendar.
  • Of course, family jaunts are crucial and have to be woven into weekends when possible.

Gabriel shows off his “caught fish” from our makeshift teepee. (Click to see November – Part 2 pics.)

Last Saturday when Gabriel was away, Stephen and I decided to take advantage of the lighter load and took the boys to the greenway for some fresh air and exercise. Houston rode his bike (quite expertly, I must say) along the paved trail, and Zeke enjoyed the lakeside views while on foot or from his leisurely spot in the the red wagon.

Then we did Lebanese fare for lunch. Houston and Zeke devoured everything from stuffed grape leaves and hummus to spanakopita and falafel. Granted, the boys are used to this kind of food, since this joint is one of our favorite restaurants, but I think that their one-eighth Arab blood probably has something to do with it, as well. A successful family outing all around.

Education

Due to her spring semester classes, Miss Jessie is here for schooling on our MOPS days. And since the church has pretty great children’s programming, we’ve been doing an alternating schedule of who (Houston or the twins) goes to MOPS with me and who stays home for pre-K fun with Miss Jessie. This gives the MOPS kid(s) some less competitive Mommy time, while allowing Miss Jessie to do really focused, age-appropriate activities for the at-home kid(s).

On 1/31, I visited a Classical Conversations community with my pal, Christie. CC is a method of homeschooling, but the families who utilize this classical model of education meet once a week at different campuses (usually churches) around town for tutorials. This gives kids the experience of learning in a classroom setting and allows them opportunities to make friends. Parents also use the gatherings to organize co-ops, play groups, field trips and the like.

A group photo I snapped to use for the grandparents’ Christmas gifts.

Christie, a former private and public school teacher, has helped me shed much of the self-doubt that had been creeping in regarding elementary homeschooling the boys. Even though that has always been our plan, the thought of it now that Houston is a rising kindergartner was becoming a little scary. But learning about CC and its wonderful local community (many of whom are Westover members) is helping me regain my confidence.

I’m still trying to cover all my bases by simultaneously looking into magnet schools. My county actually has an impressive list of alternative public schools. Of most interest are the Spanish immersion, science and technology, and Montessori academies. I will be attending an upcoming magnet fair, as well as a CC informational meeting, and then we’ll see how things pan out from there.

Health

Gabriel and Zeke recently had a check-up for their cough-variant asthma, and the specialist said we can start weaning them off their antihistamines and inhalers in April, but she wants them to back on the prescriptions in August for one more season. The hope is that they will have outgrown this type of asthma (a very common occurrence in kids) and that they can kick the meds for good in spring 2013.

Last Thursday evening, Gabriel started puking around dinnertime and the spell lasted till just before midnight. I assume it was some sort of short-lived stomach bug because he was doing much better by the next morning. Luckily, none of the rest of the family caught it, and G-man has gotten back his appetite and is doing great.

Gabe still wears the pantyhose from a fun Miss-Jessie game.

Phonics

This Sunday at a restaurant, Houston used his mad phonics skills to sound out “exit.” Amazing to see your kid actually read a word all on his own. Daddy says he also spelled out “buffet” and then expertly figured out what the word said, despite the fact it doesn’t read the way it sounds. Smarty britches.

What’s in a name?

As mentioned previously, Stephen recently encountered another kid named Zeke at Chick-fil-A. Soon thereafter, a lady at MOPS told me she has a 10-year-old son named Zeke, short for Ezekiel and everything. Then there’s getzeek.com (a website similar to Groupon), Disney Channel’s “Zeke and Luther,” and Zeke the little bro on the PBS show “Sid the Science Kid.” Who knows, maybe “Zeke” will end up being the next “Aiden” or “Ethan.”

Now, it’s not a stretch to say that there’s often another “Gabriel” running around at the places we visit on our adventures. His name used to rank in the 30s of top 100 boys names, but apparently has moved its way up into the 20s. Luckily, he doesn’t seem to mind.

We have yet to cross paths with another “Houston.” In fact, it’s just a weird enough name that people often mistake him for the increasingly trendy name “Hudson.” I’m sure we’ll run across a “Houston” sooner or later … probably whenever we visit Daddy’s home state of Texas.

“Lighten up, Rebecca!”

That was the friendly advice that Dixie’s daddy, Mr. Milt, gave me when he encountered me rushing around one night like a chicken with my head cut off. In my defense, it was a pretty hectic week, but still, good advice shouldn’t be ignored.

Miss Jessie w/ the 3 Amigos before the Moms Club Halloween party.

Here’s the deal: Stephen has a new job. This is a good thing overall: it’s a challenging gig with a highly respected company, and it’s meeting his goal of learning new technologies. And as a consequence, it’s (hopefully) a more stable and secure place to be as the sole provider of a large family in a turbulent economy.

It does often require long hours and some travel, so Stephen wasn’t around much last week + the family was fighting nasty colds + the kids were exhibiting post-holiday hyperactivity + I was solo since Miss Jessie was at the beach = tough times for mama.

We all survived, though, and I eventually heeded Milt’s advice, ending the week on a strong and positive note!

One of the only pics of Zeke as a cute pumpkin for Halloween 2011.

Getting back into the swing of things has helped. My family craves structure and routine, so doing our first Moms Club playgroup in weeks was cathartic for both the boys and me.

The Friday fun was at Miss Amy’s house and, despite the shenanigans that had taken place at home earlier in the week, the 3 Amigos had excellent manners while eating, shared their toys, didn’t obsess over trains, and just played great with Daniel, Andrew and all the kiddies.

Christmas @ Clan Dillingham

  • My three newly appreciated Christmas songs: “Do You Hear What I Hear,” by Whitney Houston, “All I Want For Christmas Is You,” by Mariah Carey, and George Michael’s “Last Christmas.” I’m not normally a fan of any of these artists, but these ditties just fostered good, solid merriment throughout the holidays.
  • The twins found great amusement in “Feliz Navidad.” Every time we heard the song on the continuous Christmas station we jammed all December, they burst into hysterics, giggling like droll little elves.

Darth Vader, Wicked Witch & Spooky Ghost get ready to trick-or-treat, while Zeke stays home 🙁

  • Miss Jessie’s lessons on the Nativity culminated with a Christmas story reenactment, which included the boys using their homemade “three wise man” puppets and other props from Jessie’s church. I think the hands-on activity was effective in helping the kids understand and appreciate the true reason for the season.
  • We spent an evening at Miss Beth’s for some more pre-Christmas fun. The boys decorated gingerbread cookies and watched “Frosty the Snowman” with Matthew and Jonathan.
  • We then took off to the Festival of Lights and sung Christmas carols while biding our time in the long line entering the park. We were awestruck by the spectacular display of more than a million lights, making the wait well worth the effort.
  • While at Wal-Mart picking up a few stocking stuffers, an elderly man in the checkout line saw my purchases and asked, “Are you a teacher?” At first I said, “No,” but then I clarified, “Well, yeah, I homeschool my kids.” So, I guess I am a teacher, even if it is at what we jokingly refer to as Mommy & Miss Jessie’s Pre-School of Hard Knocks!

Two of the 3 Amigos hang w/ neighbors on Halloween.

  • On Christmas Eve, we attended service at church; the boys wrestled on our tumbling mat while Daddy refereed, trying to contain the excitement of Santa’s impending visit (all while watching “The Sound of Music”); Granny and Grumps arrived; and we tracked St. Nick’s progress on the NORAD website.
  • Zeke’s poignant statement on the big day: “Mommy, mommy, this is the best Christmas ever!” he exclaimed with a colossal smile and a gleam in his eye. The blissful proclamation surely makes all the shopping, price comparisons, budget crunching and inevitable stress so worthwhile.
  • We went out to dinner (saw Daniel and Andrew there) and then did some shopping for discount ornaments the day after Christmas. I picked out a few fancy ornaments from Pier 1, and Daddy and the boys got some silly ones from Hallmark for the now three-year accidental family tradition.

Click this shot of the posse to view all the Halloween pics.

  • We headed up to Gramsey and Papa’s from 12/30 through 1/2, tying up the Christmas season and ringing in 2012. The boys got plenty of time with Cousin Kara, who spent the night for the duration of our stay, and we got to see most of the rest of the fam at a huge feast on Sunday afternoon.

The “fancy meal” reward system

Miss Jessie came up with the idea, wherein the kids can earn individual recognition for polite mealtime behavior and get to sign their names on a scroll made to look like “parchment” (i.e., Jessie distressed by burning the edges).

The reward area also displays a feather pen, three champagne flutes, and an ornate box full of shiny things. Once the kids receive the agreed upon number of signatures, we will dress up and eat a posh meal at a nicely set table by candlelight. Yep, Miss J rocks!

Worthy family tradition …

… or unnecessary bedlam???

The family made our 3rd annual post-Thanksgiving trek to Sugar Plum Farm to get a Christmas tree. If you don’t recall the previous years, the outings were not as fun-filled as Stephen and I had hoped, namely due to a belligerent Zeke and unfriendly weather. With balmy temps and kids who are a year older, we were hopeful that this time would be a more successful jaunt.

Visiting Santa while waiting in line, the hayride up the mountain and the choose-and-cut portion of the day went smashingly well, but went downhill after that with spazzes and spills over not-so-hot chocolate; Houston’s “my legs are broken” complaints and subsequent dramatic collapses (this is what he sometimes does when he’s exhausted); and Gabriel hurling a handful of pebbles at an unsuspecting man.

To top it off, we had driven both the van and Grumps’ Jeep in an effort to have an escape car, so that if one kid got too cranky, we could remove him from the situation, salvaging the good times for those who remained. Even though Zeke (surprise, surprise!) was an extremely good boy, we opted to bolt as a unit, since patience and energy levels were running low pretty early on.

Houston & Miss Jessie work on penmanship & writing his name.

Daddy, a sleeping Zeke and Gabe waited in the vehicle line for tree pick-up, while Houston and I drove the Jeep and parked near the exit. Infuriated by the fact that he was in the van and not Grumps’ cool car, Gabriel decided to let loose the heavy-metal screams for which he is infamous. Everyone could hear his blood-curdling screeches, making Daddy’s front-row seat to the performance all the more pleasant.

So yes, we payed top dollar for a Carolina-grown Frasier Fir, but we missed out on all the extra fun that the farm has to offer, like paddle boating, feeding the ducks, roasting marshmallows, etc. And since we have yet to really take advantage of those perks, Stephen and I are at a crossroads: continue the purposeful tradition, cherishing the magic moments that come out of the chaos, or give up on what feels like such a daunting and unappreciated undertaking. What say you?

Behavior battles 

Zeke’s tantrums have subsided, from the frenetic one-hour fits mentioned in the last blog, to the shorter-lived, but still excited meltdowns that followed, to the current pretty-easy-to-ignore bouts of agitation. Basically, his acting out is about on par as anything Houston and Gabe will throw at us on occasion … a pain in the butt, for sure, but totally tolerable and to be expected.

Gabe asks, “Wouldn’t I make an adorable fireman?”

Then there’s what I call equal-opportunity naughtiness: when the kids all let that devil on their shoulder smooth-talk and outmaneuver the angel on the other side, wearing out Mommy in the process. And since this takes place mostly during the bath time/bedtime regimen — of course, when I’m at my most pooped point of the day — Daddy and I have come up with a few new rules.

  1. I’m going to avoid the frequent chaos that is a two- or three-boy bath and instead bathe only one kid a night. Sure, not the best hygienic practices in the world, but a much better utilization of my energy and sanity.
  2. Once the 3 Amigos are in bed, we’re going to let them have about 30 minutes of free time, so that they can talk, sing, giggle, read books together, have stuffed-animal fights or action-figure wars, and do whatever else (within reason) it is they find so necessary to do on a nightly basis.
  3. When the allotted time is up, it’s lights out and door closed. And if anyone breaks the rules of “lie down, be quiet and go to sleep,” they ALL get punished. Hey, it works in the military, so why not put on my drill sergeant hat and give it a whirl here at the zoo?! After all, I am a mother who does where a whistle, so I’m confident I can pull it off.

“Whoa, this is one powerful hose,” says Zeke.

Some recent wins 

All this is certainly not to say that the dudes don’t have countless well-behaved moments, don’t exhibit consideration for others, don’t commit random acts of kindness or sharing, don’t use their manners or aren’t truly phenomenal on some excursions.

Here are some examples of the 3 Amigos’ goodness:

  • Daddy and the kids road-tripped to the mountains for Cousin Kelly’s wedding on 11/5. Daddy, typically a harsher critic than am I, happily reported that the boys were sweet and polite.
  • When meeting up with Granny and Grumps at our Chick-fil-A half-way spot on 11/10, all boys went potty without complaint, were very calm and mannerly while eating, and then played nicely with the other kids in the play area.
  • Granny says the dudes were also mannerly during an ice-cream outing she treated them to while in the mountains.
  • We went to Jump-n-Fun with MOPS on 11/14. The boys were such brave bouncers, sliders and climbers, giving me some much-needed adult time with the other moms. Smiles, sharing and good behavior abounded.
  • On 11/18, we attended a Moms Club Thanksgiving brunch/playgroup at a member’s home. Again, the kids were excellent, ate great, had a blast with their buds and did a fair job at helping clean up the wrecked house.
  • Couple these instances with glowing reports at church, the Y and in MOPS class, and I’d say my boys are slowly, sometimes painstakingly, but surely growing into fine little men.

As big as he is, Houston still might need a smaller size.

Health & happiness

Houston started complaining about his ears the night of 11/21. The pain persisted into the next day, so I took him to a trusted doc (not their pediatrician), who said he indeed had an ear infection. Instead of the regular prescription of immediate antibiotics, she wanted to try him out Mucinex for 48 hours first, since she said that some of these yucky ear problems are caused by viruses.

After some crazy sleepless nights — including one evening with Daddy on the couch, the 3 Amigos in our bed, and me curled up on the floor of the kids’ room on two of their mattresses — and putting off our Thanksgiving trip up to the mountains by a day, both boys are finally feeling better. Fortunately, the Mucinex kicked Zeke’s illness by that Saturday, and Houston, who ended up needing the antibiotics after all, is now on the road to recovery.

Our Thanksgiving with Granny and Grumps was low-key … that is, until Houston had his first-ever nosebleed that night. Stephen and I were definitely freaked out, but luckily for us, Granny was a “free bleeder” as a kid and knew exactly what to do to get it stopped.

Then on Saturday night, Houston had another one, which was much more intense, gory and traumatic than the first. Again, Granny worked her magic, teaching both Houston and I a thing or two about how to handle and stop nosebleeds.

Already the pro, Gabriel works the gauges on the firetruck.

In fact, Houston has already put his new expertise to use, successfully stopping two little nosebleeds all on his own. “I can handle it,” he says reassuringly in a nasally voice while pinching his nose with a tissue.

We figure (and hope) that these are a fluke caused by a perfect storm: the massive swings in mountain temperatures (from low 20s at night to high 60s in the day), the gas-log heating of the mountain house, all the congestion that comes with an ear infection and perhaps even the higher altitude at Granny’s. Fingers crossed!

Going potty & rewards

The twins’ potty training is progressing, but we still have a way to go. They’ll be doing great, staying dry, peeing standing up “like brother,” loving their big-boy undies. And then, as if back to square one, they’ll flood their britches, poop their pants or even doo-doo on the bathroom floor, and all this after swearing up and down that they didn’t have to go. Huh?

So, instead of always being the one to prompt them to go, I updated the diamond-in-the-jar reward system. Now, Gabe and Zeke can earn a “diamond” only if he is the one to initiate the potty break and then successfully get the pee or poop into the toilet. Interestingly, Zeke (who was lagging behind in his potty training for a long while) already has seven diamonds and Gabriel only has one.

Zeke, being the huge fan of hats that he is, feels right at home.

Houston’s reward system has also been tweaked: he now has to dress himself fully without any assistance to earn a diamond. We are cutting him a little slack on his socks, though, since all of his current stash are either too snug or too big. As of today, Houston  trails behind Zeke by only two diamonds.

On 11/20, Daddy finally took Gabriel on a one-on-one hike for his first diamond win. We tallied their full jars the following day and G-man retained the title, beating out Houston by only four stones. As both bros are in stiff competition for the next championship, Gabe looks forward to his second prize: swimming at the Y with Daddy.

Miss Jessie rocks

On 11/23, Miss Jessie put on a Thanksgiving mini-reenactment. The boys donned their pilgrim hats as they departed the Mayflower (the back deck), and found corn in the garden, nuts near the shed and maple syrup in a tree. While playing in the makeshift teepee (the outdoor fort covered with a sheet), we discussed how God’s divine hand made the pilgrim’s feast possible, before the kids pretended to cook the stuffed-animal turkey and fish over a campfire.

Some randoms

At the doc, Houston weighed 46.6 pounds and is 45″ tall.

Triple trouble in the bathtub is now a thing of the past.

I am taking an amazing 10-week night class at church. My awesome hubby is feeding the kids dinner and getting them to bed so that I can take part in this wonderful learning opportunity.

Since we didn’t do much on our actual 11th anniversary, Stephen and I celebrated the occasion on 11/11/11. We fine-dined at one of our fave restaurants, while Granny had the kids for the weekend.

The 3 Amigos, who are constantly discussing the merits of spicy food at mealtime, like both horseradish sauce and steak sauce. Thank goodness they have pretty adventurous palettes as far as kids go.

Our 15-year-old cat, Bob, has been diagnosed with hyperthyroidism. She is presently on meds and doing okay, but old Bobby might be on her last lap. A weird one, for sure, she has been a good and loyal cat. I just pray Bob’s final days are peaceful.

Click Zeke in the helmet to see all the firehouse fun had on 9/30 and the above photo to view the September gallery.